Scented Condoms

Thanks God it’s Friday.  So I’m at work, stealing glances at the clock every five minutes.  My office is haunted by the way!  There is a kibwengo who pushes back the hands of time on our clock!  Kweli!  Halafu he does this only on Fridays!  And when you have deadline, the little rascal pushes the hands forward! 

Anyway, so it’s one of those days – yaani I’m not in the working mood kabisa!  I get restless when I’m idle, my hands and mind always have to be busy.  So to keep myself busy, as I listen to Clouds FM, I do little jiggles on my seat as I’m surfing the net.  I can hardly wait for the end of the day as I will be hooking up with Shoga Sia – after having not seen her in quite a while.  Yap, it is indeed the same shoga who was there when my big behind fell of a platform during the Jay-Z concert. 

Anyway, the music on the radio is great – perfect for a Friday afternoon – really getting me into the partying mood.  A jingle comes on – sponsors have to get their slot you know, otherwise there would be no show and no beautiful music to welcome the Friday.

                Nakupenda kama chocolate … Salama condom …” the jingle goes on.  My ears perk up like a curious dog.  I usually don’t pay attention to jingles, but this one was just too interesting to miss.  I move my ear closer to the speakers to listen to the connection between chocolate and condoms.                “Salama condoms imekuletea condoms zenye harafu … strawberry … banana … chocolate …” 

Now I am lost.  Even the little people in my head are lost.  We all sit back and scratch our heads.  I mean I can understand flavoured condoms and glow in the dark condoms – tena hizi would have worked so well in this pitch dark Bongoland, no need of vibatari as zana za kazi will be well lit – lakini sasa scented condoms?  I have one or two questions – when will you notice the scent though?  I mean, peeps are busy humping, pumping, sweating – and at the end produce all sorts of odour – sasa hii chocolate scent at what point will you smell it?   

Halafu jamani, we all know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  Sasa what are these Salama people trying to achieve introducing food scented condoms – if at all there will be time for smelling the flowers, erm, the condoms.  Even a guard dog stops barking once a whiff of food passes by his nose.  Sasa what do they expect from a mtu mzima?  Imagine this as the ad on telly, … … …mtu mzima is bent over.  Humping, huffing and pumping.  Dada chini is moaning with pleasure.  Mtu mzima is sweating so much, yaani the sweat could fill the closed Mtera Dam.  Kazi nzito bwana wewe, si mchezo!  A sweet smell is in the air.  Mtu mzima loses his concentration for a while – hasn’t even noticed that he jabbed at the belly button.  Dada winces – both in pain and shock – eyes pop out kama mjusi aliyebanwa na mlango.

                 “Duuh!  What’s up with Mr. Man sasa?  Style mpya nsiyoijua?”  Dada wonders silently as she quickly covers her quite bruised belly button – not particularly keen at having it deflowered – at least not yet.  The pumping slows down.  His stomach grumbles.  Hunger pangs.  A whiff of chocolate then hits his nostrils.  The pumping now stops.  He jerks up, as if he has been electrocuted.  He gets up, salivating, looking dazed, his hungry mouth now following the smell … …  

Halafu and the philanderers?  Yaani mtu mzima will wash and scrub with all the mbuni and ashes in the world, I’m sure the smell won’t come off that easily.  Sijui sasa how mtu mzima will explain to the missus why his loins smell so much of strawberry.

                 “But mama, si you know, you are what you eat.  I ate so much strawberries during the day.”

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~ by saharasoulfood on November 24, 2006.

7 Responses to “Scented Condoms”

  1. This is so true. THey are selling those scented condoms and the only use I guess would be when the sex is oral. I am waiting for Smirnoff Ice or Tusker flavoured ones…

  2. This is interfering with nature if you ask me. What happened to good ol’ pheromones?

  3. I had to remember to smell one the other day. I must say, they do smell delicious – close – and when your brain and to concentrate hard enough to smell are still working. But after a while, all your senses move to just one area – sasa what’s the point of being scented?

  4. Wow! Scented condoms are for just one thing: Those partners who give head. Notice I never said “those girls who …” Wonder if that accentuates the experience…What is the world coming to?

  5. what would be the point of going to bed or the bush(good old days) only to hear a grumbling stomach instead of soft slow moans?Wacheni kuharibu game nyinyi.Or end up with so much saliva on the bedding instead of semen?I would suggest that any one intending to use the scented condoms does so only on a full stomach!!!!

  6. maze be natural this isssue of sijui banana of chocolate ni occuad imagine the real intimacy smell it turns more than on

  7. This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

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