Skanky Hair

Some weeks ago I had gone out with two of my cousins and some friends. After one two many SoCos, the call of nature summoned me. This is one call you can not refuse, manake uta-end up unajiaibisha bure. After struggling to convince my right foot that it actually was the right foot and not left and that we are supposed to be walking forward and not sidewsays, I finally managed to get to the Ladies.

As I was going to the Ladies I bumped into this lady – yeah, you know the kind – petite with everything perking and jutting forward or pouting. She flashed me a lovely smile. Suddenly I was blinded with a harsh glare as she smiled. I quickly shielded my eyes. With one squinting eye I tried to peer and see what had caused the temporary blindness. As I moved closer – but very cautiously I saw the thing that was on her head. Jamani pombe zote ziliniisha kichwani! I have heard of witches, darn I have even written about them – but never have I ever come across one!

Sasa here was one standing right in front of me! With a dead cat on her head and a blazing mouth! Yours truly totally forgot the business she had with the Ladies and took off! Sikuangalia hata nyuma! I just took off!

That night I slept with all the lights on, I sprinkled holy water around the house, chanted all the prayers I could think off and wore five rosaries to bed. Finally I slept – though I tossed and turned – sijui whether it was the alcohol or nightmares of the witch lady.

The next day I had to rush to the bank quickly after realizing that nilikunywa pesa za shopping. Don’t you dare ‘tsk tsk’ me – as if you have never done that before! Infact I know wewe umeshakunywa pesa hata za chakula ya mtoto! Shame on you!

“Dada mambo!” I heard a voice behind me. Since it didn’t sound familiar I chose to ignore it thinking maybe someone else was being greeted.

“Dada,” the voice called out, tapping me on my left shoulder.

“Sijambo,” I replied.

Then it happened again – the glare. Schitt, another mchawi! I had thought! Sasa that day I was standing outside in broad daylight under the harsh African sun. Sasa imagine how dazzling the glare was. The little people in my head and I were sober and were feeling brave – afterall it was broad day light – what could she do. So we faced the lady. On close inspection, we realized that the lady had gold cups in her teeth! Atleast for of her teeth had gold cups! I had to stiffle a laughter!

“Tulikutana jana, unanikumbuka? Dada, are you okay?

Then I noticed the head! Schitt, it was the same witch! The dead cat was there! On her head! I quickly stepped back! If it wasn’t for the bottle of water in my hand and novel I would have quickly made the sign of the cross with my two fore fingers.

Quickly as I was moving backwards, I started chanting, “ushindwe! Na ushindwe kwa jina la Yesu!”

“Dada unaumwa? Niite mtu akusaidie? Nikupeleke kwa gari yako?” Quite concerned she had asked – and the more steps I took backwards, the more the lady took forward – towards me.

Hivi have I ever mentioned that sometimes my eyes plays games on me. Okay, so sue me I have a bad eye sight and I refuse to wear glasses. Someone told me I have beautiful eyes – sasa nizifiche? Akuuuh, babu wee!

Sasa back to the dead cat – kumbe it was a wig! A skanky, nasty wig! The gold teeth plus the nasty wig were enough to give any grown person a nightmare! Forget the teeth, the hair styles that walk the streets these days, uwii!!

A cousin who wears glasses – so we can’t blame it on the eye sight – was meeting a girl the other day. We have make-shift parks in Bongo – kwenye mashamba ya watu in areas like Mbezi and the likes. Ati my cousin was feeling romantic, so he proposed they go for an early evening walk. He spotted his beauty as he was driving. Dada alikuwa kakubalika kama Kikwete!

Sasa as he was about to park his car, he noticed a skunk on her head. Yaani brotha man just jumped from the car, if it wasn’t for the handbreak, his car would have hit the trees – jinsi alivyokuwa in a haste to help his maiden in distress. Quickly he removed his shoe and whacked the nasty creature.

“Whack! Whack!” The only thing he heard was his maiden screaming, but the skunk would move. Another whack and another one! Dada started running bwana! But he didn’t stop. He went after her with his one shoed foot – whacking the skunk on her head as they both ran.

“Wee kichaa? Why are you hitting me?” Dada finally spoke – crying out in between sobs.

“You have a skunk on your head!”

Dada hearing that there was a skunk on her head stopped running. The scared trots now turned into the River-Dance steps.

“Uwii! Take it off! Mtoe! Uwiii! Please mtoe!!” With both her hands she started flailing and thrashing the about her head – with my cousin at heal trying to remove the nasty animal. “Thud!” The skunk finally fell to the ground.

“There it is!” Breathlessly my cousin pointed at the failed animal victoriously.

“That’s the skunk? That’s the skunk that you have been hitting? That’s my wig, wee mshenzi!” Dada now started whacking brotha man – ironically she was whacking her with the wig-cum-skunk.

The sad thing with such stories, you never get to hear what happened afterwards – whether dada slapped my cousin silly or if she walked home. But one thing I know is my cousin has never heard from dada since then.

Anyway, basi the other day I was at a supermarket looking for the head of a mop. I was in a hurry as usual. So I saw one – and grabbed it immediately – I was drawn by its colour, it was grey like the others but had highlights. As I was shocked when a stream of curses started following me as I was walking away with my lovely highlighted mop. Then I turned to look who was cursing then, then I turned to see what she was pointing at so angrily – kumbe I had taken somebody’s hair, bwana!

Au mimi na my dreads ndiyo washamba? Is the in look these days is dead animals on your head? Someone please educate me.

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~ by saharasoulfood on December 21, 2006.

14 Responses to “Skanky Hair”

  1. Tee he! that’s wickedly humorous!kumbe people notice the blunders we see on some sista’s heads?i thought i am just not grooving with the times. I am one of those anti fake hair people, especially when the job hasn’t been well done

  2. HILARIOUS!!! Pole lakini for the experience. I suspect having locks helps prevent such embarrassment… next time take that mop and test it on the floor… get bitch slapped some. LOL
    One Love

  3. Kweli dada dreadlocks are the only way to go! hata mimi nita anza kuzifuga sasa.
    Happy 2007

  4. Sasa imagine that mop and that funny make-up the wear! White eyebrow liner, very pale lipstick and pitch black lip liner – all on the same face!

  5. Those wigs are just terrible especially when they are luminous e.g lime green,purple,strawberry red……Long live our locks!!!!watu wawache kuingilia career za wengine.manze all of us cant be clowns!!1

  6. you are maaaaaaaaaddddddd….. but let me tell you hawa dada zetu… are weird.. one day niko pale sweet eazy.. al ady comes in the area before you get to the toilet itself eti anataka kukojoa… so i tell her to wait ..kuna watu inside… she then kindof talk to herself “sijui nikojoe hapa hapa..” i looked at her and was really in shock.. i do not think i have been shocked lately.. this really stayed on my mind for awhile.. i was like what?? watazania bwana… hawa wadada wausiku need to get a school established and spend some time there to learn ethics, etiquette, manners, sanitation and usafi binafsi…. kwa kweli… mimi mhaya sijaona mambo kama haya in my entier thirty something years…. urrrgggggghhh!!!!

  7. dreadlocks

    dreadlocks

  8. Thanks for sharing this information. Really is pack with new knowledge. Keep them coming.

  9. what does “hata mimi” mean?

  10. @Nyali: Hata mimi mean “even I (will).”

  11. I laugh till i wet myself!Brilliant and incisive .Can’t wait to read more

  12. You are definetly going to be thrown with rotten eggs!! Nywele za watu hizo. They even name them!! They have identity 🙂
    Hilarious story!

  13. Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yaani! I had so much stress and the laughter did me good, you have definatelly made my day. Jamani those startling gold capped teeth are a common facter for our Suriname and Curacao relatives by slave trade, I didn’t know hata TZ mambo hayo yanafanyika

  14. wow! that’s some story! you write as wonderfully as ever my friend!

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