Big Momma

You wonder about parent – and curse them even. I tell you mothers are the worst! Sijui what happened to them – they all seem have the same plot; always carniving and plotting – to have you together so that you do what you’re intended to do and that is filling the world or split you up – they just have to be there. Well, most of them do, manake if I don’t watch my mouth, some mothers’ children will come sue me. Anyway, I’m convinced when God sends his Holy spirit with that special message about filling the world, I’m sure it’s passed on to the mothers – but mothers being mothers with their, ‘I’m your mother, second to your father and I know it all’ attitude, translate it to suit them. Sielewi.

From the day their sons are born, they start picturing about that perfect wives for theirs sons. Child rearing hips, naturally number one on the list; she should cook like them, and follow the recipes to the tee – from dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s; she must go to the same church as them; and very important she must be able to clean, attend to the son, give birth, mop, attend to the son, give birth, dust, attend to the son, give birth, mow, attend to the son, give birth, pray, have I mentioned cook … yes, she must be able to perform all that and even more. And she is not supposed to comment or complain. Ole wako, if you do.

She must never outshine her mother in law or sister in laws, yaani that’s the biggest sin ever! Even better go in drabs then they will show and teach you how to dress. Sasa that’s the biggest honour and favour she will be doing herself. Nenda na pua juu unalo! Never outshine female in-laws, I tell you.

 “Her ass is just too unbelievably big! Utafikiri kaweka mito bwana! Baba nanihii atamtamani,” mama would probably confide in her shoga. But to her son and the rest of the world, “this one has been around too much. It’s only last week I saw her at Corner Bar with mzee nanihii. Kichunaji hiki.”

 “She is too educated. Hawa waliosoma sana hawa think they know too much. Atakudharau mwanangu!” To her shoga, “wahii, I’m a standard seven leaver jamani! If they start discussing JK, Richmond and BoT sijui? Mimi najua tabloids tu! Halafu worse still they discuss it in English or French! Uwii!”

 “Her father is a minister? This is the one who can’t even boil an egg! I know her!” To her shoga, “the mother is better than me? Never! She can’t me!”

 “Did you see that make up!? Uwii! Can she even peel a banana let alone boil an egg? I bet she spends the whole day infront of a mirror! My son will starve to death!” But to her shoga, “she will wreck my marriage. Baba nanihii will want her.”

 “I tell you, a sugar daddy bought her that car! Unabisha nini while I know her! We have been praying for her at church madhambi ya zinaa yaishe!” To her shoga, “she is better than me? Never! She can’t me!”

Sasa when it comes to such incidents I can never understand the double standards. While the son is supposed to marry a baby making machine-cum-maid-cum-robot, the daughter of the same woman who expects a robot clone for a daughter in law, wants something totally different for the daughter.

 “Unasema nini? Your mother in law wanted you to mop the whole entire house? Pambafu! Does she think you are the maid?”

While it was just yesterday when she was at her son’s house, busy sweeping her fingers through the furniture and forcing sneezes while at it, while crunching her nose.

 “Hivi when was the last time this house was dusted?” She asks the housegirl loud enough for Maya with the chid rearing hips to hear.

 “Maybe I should stay here longer and help you with the house chores, my son? I feel Maya is too overwhelmed with everything,” she asks her son later when he calls her.

It doesn’t end there. The next days she starts rummaging through the fridge and pantry, changing Maya’s soya beans to kidney beans; Maya’s Kyela’s rice to Morogoro rice; Maya’s olive oil to a huge bucket of Kimbo. That evening she throws out Maya’s carrot soup and made mtori ladden with Kimbo. Only if she knew it was her son who chose to start eating healthy.

“It’s that woman”, she would curse as she moves things around in the kitchen, “she can’t cook and now she blames it on my son wanting to eat what? This is what and how I have always cooked for him, now she brings what?”

 “My son doesn’t eat hayo maharagwe yenu ya kizungu. And what kind of soup was that? If you want to make my son soup, this is how it should be cooked!” She later pushes the pot of hot mtori under Maya’s nose.

Once in a VERY blue moon – tena on that day hell freezes over – one fed-up daughter in law would throw her hands on her waist like an English tea pot, shaking and bouncing her head away like a child high on sugar, she would blow her top.

 “Listen mama, the last time I checked, I am the one who was married to this man! Why don’t you go back to your home and take care of it – and let me take care of MY home,” she would shake her finger as if it was boneless as she stresses the MY.
 “If you felt you were the woman for him, then maybe you should have married her,” she would finish with a msonyo mrefu mpaka Kariakoo.

But like I said, this happens only once in a blue moon. And most of the times, the fed-up in-law finds herself packed in pieces in a body bag even, and gets sent home. Jaribu uone! Shauri yako!

So I have rolled up the top ten worst mother in laws into one – so sue me – but kwa kweli don’t tell me you have never come across this devil that wears Prada, erm, khanga.Sasa, if you get to see your mother in law only on Christmas and Baptisms because she lives in the villages, I tell you you fast, thank your God, sijui Allah, your lucky stars, sijui ancestors, cows, dogs, mbuyu or whatever schitt you believe in. Sasa start praying there is no other ndugu from the husband’s side of the family, lurking in the town your husband and you live in. Especially not a great aunt whom nobody ever defies

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~ by saharasoulfood on March 1, 2008.

3 Responses to “Big Momma”

  1. Good to have you back. I am a married man, and I can “relate”. I’ve not been able to go “home” with my wife, but the constant reminder I get is “mlete mkwe tumuone”.

    Obviously, my mom has seen her photo and talked with her on the phone,so this ain’t about her face, but rather about going through an approval checklist…:)

  2. are you married?am officailly scared of getting married

  3. Not only African mother-in-laws, they’re all the same..too nosey in their sons lives, always wondering what is going on,what are they doing? when are they going to see them? keep asking them “are u ok” “You don’t sound good today” just sticking their noses in their sons lives forever. I am speaking from experience; they are all the same mamii, wanatofautiana rangi tu na mazingira.
    As the swahili saying goes “Ukipenda boga, penda na ua lake” its hard sometimes, maua mengine bora tu yajinyaukie…
    Cheers.

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