How To Make A Guy Bolt

I found an ingenious way of putting of wasumbufu men. This has been tried and tested! Mind you, I don’t put all men at bay. But sometimes a girl has no choice, once whenever you say “I’m not interested” he suddenly gives you that look at is you just spoke in tongues. Wapo! He sees your ass and he sees dollar signs bouncing on it. He just gotta have it and tap it!

So he calls you, “what are you doing, mrembo? I was thinking we hook up for moja baridi, moja moto.”

In honest truth, I don’t want to be seen anywhere with him, even if my life depended on it. And I have told him in every language I can master that I am not interested but he wouldn’t have any of it. Hasikii wala haelewi! So I put on my best smiling face and I reply cheerfully, “I am looking at wedding gowns! I was thinking black and silver as the colours of the wedding, what do think, future hubby darling?” If he calls again after that atakuwa anaumwa!

After telling him of the colours you have in mind, finish off with, “so what’s your favourite colour, cheesecake love? What colours would you have preferred?”

Then go on dreamily, “just imagine in a year, we’ll have a little someone running around! I’ve always wanted to name my first daughter after my bibi. I hope you won’t mind, sweet snowpeas.”

I promise you, suddenly he will tell you the line is not clear, there is an echo and he can’t hear you. And just as suddenly, your number will be lost! If lucky, he might even suffer from amnesia and forget how you look like. Tried and tested I tell you!!

So brother man will just shrug off his loses and scream, “neeeeext!” Afterall, all he wants is to tap and bolt, so there will always be a next victim somewhere.

Now if all fails, pull the baba Paroko card. Manake there are some hardcore out there whom once they start lusting over you they will cling harder than a kiroboto on a stray dog! So after he calls have gotten so much to the point of your phone automatically assigning a special ring tone for him, tell him this …

Mkate wa kumimina honey, you know I grew up going to St Peters cathedral. Baba Paroko has known me since I was this high! When I had a belly button the size of a tennis ball. *fake shy giggles* Anyway my sukari guru darling, so yesterday I went to see him about my wish to get married there. He’s so excited that I have met ‘the one’ God intended for me *bat eyelashes* and he’d really love to meet you, my sweet peremende. So maybe we go to mass at St. Peters together next Sunday, kitumbua cha nazi lovie?”

This should definitely make him bolt. Lust or no lust, J.Lo’s ass or yours truly’s ass, very few would dare want to play fiddle sticks with the man of the cloth.

However, you might find a mad hatter who is readily prepared for combat! They will want to introduce you to their families the very day he meets you! He will want you to meet his teen daughter and introduce you as her ‘new mommy’! These ones grin, slurp and jump up in joy at the mention of babies Junior, NBA, Shanay-nay Bonqui qui Fri’Chickenisha, Madiba Malcolm X Nyerere, 1J, BJ, SJ, MJ, XJ, QJ, picket fences and puppies. They won’t get scared if you bring in ten kids with sijui bibi’s names, famous people’s names, Ghetto names or names with sex acronyms – these ones just don’t care! These ones really want a wife, while you are just not as interested. They might be sweet and all, you might even like them but unfortunately you just don’t feel them.

So what to do when you meet this lot – fasten your hair weave securely with super glue and run as fast as your spindly legs on heels can take you and pray he doesn’t stalk you and find out where you live! Change your number too, if you’ve too!

I recently met one of these too. As heavy and big as my ass is, I did run! Until that day, I didn’t know I could actually run, let alone run that fast!


~ by saharasoulfood on October 16, 2011.

One Response to “How To Make A Guy Bolt”

  1. omg, i just stumbled upon ur site,and u just made my night
    i have gone through some atticles about the wachaggas of 2007,uwii i laughed my night out,u just made a new fan out of this

    am here to stay
    thank u

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